Pelvic Pain and TV Sucks! Now in Color!

Just finished seeing a young lady for lower abdominal pain.  I think we may be the clearing house for females with pelvic/abdominal pain of unclear etiology.  I’ve slowly accepted this with teeth-gritting reluctance.  But I still groan inwardly when I see the chief complaint on the board.  The conversation usually involves me, spending a crap load of time and effort explaining why I’d like to not irradiate the patient’s ovaries, and them, ignoring the last 15 minutes.  If the patient’s aunt’s hairdresser’s ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend is an EMT and thinks a CAT scan should be got, then there ain’t nothin’ I can do to change that.  Occasionally, I’m fortunate enough to stumble across a diagnosis.  Usually, I spend a bunch of taxpayer dollars and chase my tail for a while, then spend another eternity telling them I don’t have a clue why they hurt.  A fair number of those folks go on to have hoards of testing and an eventual diagnosis of “chronic abdominal pain of unclear etiology”, every ER doc’s fav.

I have a friend who had to go to the ER a while back for lower abdominal pain.  She is a doctor, so her initial thought was “Oh crap! I’m not one of those girls, am I?”

Turns out her IUD had perforated her uterus.   Probably the happiest person ever to find out that she has a hemorrhaging puncture wound of her insides.

“TV Sucks. Ride Your Bike.” is back in black, but now printed in vibrant technicolor.  Women’s in Hot Magenta.  Men’s in Static Blue.  Both in 100% organic, ring-spun cotton. Both available at AlchemistThreadworks.com.

TV Sucks in Hot Magenta

TV Sucks in static blue

X-mas shift and Boss Hogg

 

Boss Hogg

Jake fell asleep wearing his new roller skates.  Syd won’t let go of her Raggety Ann doll.   It’s Christmas evening in the ER, and I’m waiting for the sick guy to roll in.  People get sick on Christmas.

Boss Hogg‘s white cadillac is now available in limited supplies. “The General Lee was cool, but Boss Hogg’s convertible was dope!  We added a trunk rack and our weapon of choice to make it super fly!  There’s a new sheriff in town, and he enforces the minimum speed limit.”

Lunar Eclipse photos and Why I Hate Boulder

Evolution of last night's lunar eclipse

Missed out on the lunar eclipse last night?  I pried my eyes open with toothpicks and drank Red bull until after midnight to get some pictures of the lunar eclipse.  Woke up Sue and Syd, and dragged them onto the front porch to watch.  Then I proceeded to snap the lamest, crappiest, blurriest photos ever.  Fortunately, despite having to come to work at 7am this morning, Drew researched the best camera settings for shooting an eclipse, then hiked up Mount Sanitas to watch the eclipse and take the series of photos above.  Thanks, Drew.  Strong work!

Had a guy decide that he wanted to race me up Flagstaff today.  I wasn’t planning on racing, but it’s hard to just let a guy go by in flat pedals, tennis shoes and a circa 1990 Rockhopper.  He kept looking back to see if I was still there.  I was, barely.  We turned the last S-turn and sprinted for the top.  He started grunting and making funny squeaky noises.   I thought he was done, but he kept on sprinting.  Beat me by a wheel.  You think getting beat by a squeaky guy riding flat pedals and a 20 year old steel bike is bad?  How about getting toasted by a girl riding a beater with panniers and wearing a skirt.  As she cruised by, she smiled and quipped, “Hey, nice socks.”

Yeah, I know.  I hate Boulder.

I don’t care, that you don’t care, that I Tele!

Apparently, No One Cares

As Adam noted, you know you’ve made it when there is a bumper sticker in response to your bumper sticker.  The No One Cares that you Tele bumper sticker and T’s from the old Spare Tire Cycling days are still available.  They can be got via Evan Busse, who is now running the show over at Spare Tire Cycling.  The NOC line is still going strong with NOC Singlespeed, NOC 29er, etc. . . .

Breast Pus and Bike Theft Ring

MMM. Cheesy.

Just came out of a room with a lady who had breast pain for 2 months since she delivered her baby.  Turns out she was sporting a huge, angry breast abscess.  I opened it up with an 11 blade scalpel, and that baby erupted like Mount Vesuvius.  Chunks of solidified pus spewed out along with fresh green milky purulence.   After I left the room, I had an immediate and insatiable craving for Cheetos.  I devoured a bag before the patient’s incision was even dressed.  Whatever pathology that manifests in my deepest, darkest Id, I dare not speculate.

Please Dont Steal My Bike. Thanks!

It appears that there is a bike theft ring in Boulder.  CU-Boulder bike thefts spike 250%; police suspect crime ring – By Whitney Bryen, bryen@coloradodaily.com Sadly, Becky was victimized by these A-holes.  Her beautiful carbon Ibis was jacked off of her car while she was in a coffee shop.  If anyone has an idea on how to fight back, I’d love to hear it.  I’ll be speaking with Karli at Full Cycle about it, but I think we may offer our “Please don’t steal my bike” sticker for free at their store.  Anyone know what the process is (or if there is one) on getting your bike registered?

Congrats to perennial powerhouse and friend of Alchemist, Karen Hogan (who was our first t-shirt customer (TV Sucks) back in the Spare Tire Cycling days), of Justin’s Racing Team for her Cyclocross win at Nationals in Bend, Oregon.  Just another notch in her national champion belt.   BTW, that’s not mud on her white jersey, that’s celebratory Nut Butter.  Those Justin’s folks are kinda nutty.

another Stars and Striped Jersey awaits

Food Champs & Treehugger

Food Drive Champs

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.  The ER took the hospital Food Drive contest going away.  We doubled up on med/surg and crushed administration.  The only thing gaudier than the Christmas Tree we won 3 years ago would be a another gaudy Christmas tree to match.  A dueling pair of Christmas Trees to block the emergency hallway access and create a bottleneck to the trauma bay.  It’s beginning to feel a lot like Christmas.

Check out the feature in Treehugger.com.  Big thanks to Emma for the sweet write up.  Give a “Recommend” to the article if you have time.

Morphine in the Toilet and Boss Hogg

The truth hurts

Had a lady come in because she lost control of the top of her bottle of  oral Morphine.  The medication was apparently dispersed all over  the bathroom. But somehow, by a stroke of monumentally ill-fated bad luck,  all the pills managed to land in the toilet.   Her purpose in the ER was to convince me of two things.  One, that I should open up my heart and my prescription pad.  Two, that I needn’t do any expensive, time-consuming, and painful diagnostic procedures.  It’s a fine line.  Too little drama, and you don’t get what you came for. Too much drama, and you get the ER version of waterboarding.  Interestingly, the frequency of patients, whose narcotics accidentally flew into the toilet, approximates the frequency of starving canines that eat innocent homework.

I often take the stance that if the patient would just tell me the truth, I’d give em what they want.  But the reality is that I would probably just find it as offensive as the guy on the street corner holding the sign “Why Lie? I need beer.”  I’ve never given those guys change, beer, a chuckle, or a second glance.  So I’m just deluding myself by saying that I’d give a drug-seeker what they want if they would just tell me the truth.

Big ups to Thomas who flew in for the holidays, only to be coerced into helping me straighten out our books.   Thanks, Tom!

Boss Hogg

We had planned to delay the production of Boss Hogg until 2011, but we’ve had enough folks asking for it, that we are going to put it out before the Holidays.  Jeff C., it’s a comin’!